So I just kept going, I just kept going…

Pregnancy Status: 24 weeks, 1 day
Currently: Waking up from a long deep sleep, rubbing eyes and anxiously counting down the days until the weekend

Yesterday, we saw our baby girl yawn. Like, a real human yawn. She grabbed her foot, held her hand against her head and then at one point we even saw her drink. She’s 1 lb, 9 oz and currently the size of an eggplant. I feel her move constantly, little wiggles, shakes and tiny waves ripple when I least expect it. I also bought a doppler from Amazon, just so I can check in on her in those moments where I can’t feel her.

Overall, I’ve been feeling better – more energy infused into every step. It might be the cream of wheat upping my iron intake by 50% a day, or moving my prenatals to first thing in the morning. I’ve been hard at work cutting out dairy, cold veggies, layering in increased amounts of water, acupuncture, herbs, and meditations. Every day has been a simultaneous blur of slow and fast, and walking into my 24 week appointment yesterday – ultrasound to check in on the previa and a check-in with Dr. Lee – I felt anxious and quite confident that I alone, with these changes, have shifted my body to the point where the previa just poof, went away. It had to have just been a few minutes when the ultrasound technician shared (quite abruptly, I might add) that my placenta is right at the cervix, basically the same exact place it had been before. Disappointed, yes. Discouraged, yes. Frustrated, definitely.

Walking out of that appointment, another uncontrolled breakdown in front of my Dr., husband, and mom, I just felt depleted and confused. I really thought that things had moved. Maybe, I didn’t know my body as well as I thought I did. Outside of this, I felt confused. How could I be sad when I saw her actually freaking yawn? And hold her foot, and drink… and I felt her move constantly. I have friends right now who are desperately trying to get pregnant, who have to work on their own, personal form of patience. I should feel so grateful that I have this perfect little girl waiting for me, dancing about, waiting for the perfect time to join this world. Stifling sadness (or maybe it was just exhaustion) isn’t easy, especially when the world around you is full of heartache and really scary experiences. Maybe, I just don’t want to be scared anymore. Maybe, I want to (read: selfishly) live a “normal” life and travel and put my soul back into work all while having the perfect pregnancy, never having a care in the world. But, I guess that isn’t realistic and that just flat out is. not. motherhood. Maybe this experience is showing me how to live my life, adjust and transition into this next chapter. Accept the things we can control, make sacrifices when we physically and mentally think that we can ‘do it all’, and just maybe – this is all a major blessing. A long extended period of time where I am forced to physically resist the forces of the world that have swept me up for so long and mentally and physically connect with the precious little girl growing and yawning and drinking inside me. That is something I can get behind. And, that is what I’m going to focus on every single day for the next 4 weeks. With a smile on my face and a baby moving inside my belly.

Song of the moment: Alabama Shakes, “This Feeling”

So I just kept going, I just kept going
And hoping I’m growing in
Well this good I’ve found, I spent all this time
Tryna find my way here

XO,

K

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