Pregnancy Status: 21 weeks, 4 days
Currently: Reading “Hamilton’s Revolution” by Lin Manuel Miranda and Jeremy McCarter ona cloudy morning sprinkled with showers and sipping on an extra hot decaf almond milk latte with a splash of maple.
I’ve been listening to Hamilton a lot lately. Like, really listening. To the words. The energy. The desperate impulse that Lin Manuel Miranda had to share a story that just had to be told – a revolution extended, a flame that burns – never to be extinguished. In this, I’ve been thinking about how this translates to motherhood. How suddenly, just one day, everything changes. You discover who you are. A moment. This unshakeable instance where the world suddenly stops and you summon a deeper purpose, one that is dense with passion, love, and an unmistakable dedication to do something larger than you ever have before.
I remember when we first found out that I was pregnant, that it didn’t seem real. It was as if this world that I had known so well was suddenly colliding and fusing with something I couldn’t comprehend. Immediately, I felt scared and totally overwhelmed. I retracted into this little girl. How would I know what to do? I could barely take care of myself, let alone my new husband, our dog and the new house we had just moved into months before. It’s funny how our ego takes hold so quickly upon the discovery of something new – “you can’t do this, you’re not capable.” Everything from that moment on for a while felt foreign and forced. I knew what I was and wasn’t supposed to do based on the experiences I’ve had with so many wonderful other mothers – my sisters, my aunts, my Mom.
And yet, in one of the first doctor’s appointments we had, where I laid there awkwardly with a paper sheet over my legs and my husband at my side, holding hands, our doe-eyed stares locked with this screen blinking with static and an awkward little triangle that I’ve only seen in TV shows, we saw her heart beat for the first time. A pulsing, blinking, magnetic star pushing itself in and out of the screen. “There she is….” the ultrasound technician continued. As a tear dropped down my face, I was overwhelmed and overcome with a deeper sense of being than I could have ever begun to imagine. It’s as if something clicked right then and there – I was forever changed and continue to shift with every evolution of days, weeks, flutters and kicks. Every moment of my day has purpose – everything I eat, drink, consume. The decisions I make, the ways I react.
Pregnancy, this impending chapter of motherhood is such an incredible gift, one that I feel so blessed to be able to experience. As a woman, as a woman who wants children, and as a woman has the opportunity to infuse a deeper level of meaning with her soulmate. Terrifying and unpredictable as it may be, the days glitter with new beginnings and new opportunities for me to continue evolving into this new person that I am becoming, the person that I have already started to be. Which feels weird because she isn’t here yet, however, yesterday – throughout the countless happy kicks and dancing there isn’t a doubt in my mind that we’ll be forever connected and this experience, these 9 months, will forever shape the mother that I will be to our precious little girl. There have been times where I feel like I’ll be pregnant forever, but perhaps this whole idea of pregnancy – the one where our precious little babies develop into the incredible children and humans we’ll raise, perhaps this time is for us to develop and evolve along with them. Time for us to grow. Recognize and realize the opportunities and changes we can make in our own lives.
Revolution is defined as a forcible overthrow of a government or social order in favor of a new system. Perhaps, this evolution of becoming a mother, this inevitable shift into a different state of being is similar: our lives are being turned completely upside down, we’re infused with a stronger sense of purpose, one that surpasses ourselves – one that consumes something larger than our minds can imagine. Our lives have become deeper, richer with love and excitement and miracles that we’ll never quite be able to shape into words. It’s a new system.
One that I cannot wait to experience for the rest of my life.
“We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you. If we lay a strong enough foundation. We’ll pass it on to you, we’ll give the world to you. And you’ll blow us all away.” – Hamilton, Dear Theodosia Lyrics